I’ve been in my hometown for about a week, but it doesn’t stop me for being a Boyfriend Crisis Centre (BCC) host. I still get texts at 2.00 in the morning from friends asking questions such as “Do you think his email indicates he likes me?” or “What does he mean when he said he’d come visit me sometime later? Why sometime, why not definite date?”

Then there are questions about why they’ve been single for certain time. Even I don’t get it. My friends are fabulously pretty, smart, charming, independent, and funny!

So I went to iVillage to find the answer. And hey, these are the tips from certified matchmaker (no idea there’s such certification for that!!). You’ll find my inserted comments here and there.

How to Find a Boyfriend: 15 Tips from Professional Matchmakers

by Sherry Amanstein (all images belong to ivillage)

1. Be realistic. “If you look like Roseanne, don’t fixate on finding a Tom Cruise look-alike,” says Brooks. “I also tell women who seem to be on a money hunt — that is, looking exclusively for men with big bucks — they’ll have to change their attitude if their goal is a long-term relationship. Men can sense right away if you’re out for their wallet, not their personality.” In the long run, the most priceless attributes you should want in a mate are not looks and/or money but a loving heart, dependable nature and commitment to you. (Anita: Ehm… is that why we can see so many ugly or old men with beautiful girls? That’s a shame! Where are those cute, sexy, funny, charming guys with souls?)

2. Be a hot mama, not a prospective mama. “Men have a radar for detecting women who are baby hungry,” warns Christie Kelleher, director of the New York office of Kelleher & Associates, an upscale matchmaking service for successful professionals. Kelleher, whose service has brought together about 6,000 marriages in 19 years, adds, “He’s thinking, ‘Whoa — I don’t even know your middle name, and I already know the colors you want to paint your kid’s nursery.’” Your best bet: no baby talk!

3. Make dating a priority. Janis Spindel, the self-described “cupid in a Chanel suit” and president of the New York-based Janis Spindel Serious Matchmaking service, suggests that clients approach finding the right man as they would a job hunt. The key is to always be prepared because you never know when or where you’ll meet someone. Wear clothes that make you feel attractive and plan ahead for interesting conversation. “You also need to change your routine,” adds Spindel, who in the last 10 years has brought together more than 300 marriages and 400 monogamous couples. “Don’t get your newspaper delivered. You might meet someone at the newsstand.” (Anita: Yeah, a newspaper boy? I think it’s more to do with watch yourself all the time. Your working environment is the most potential place. I’m talking the WHOLE office building, not only your own office!)

4. Nix the ex talk. On the first few dates, Brooks advises her clients to ex-cise the desire to tell the new man all about the previous boyfriend. If your ex was fabulous, your date will feel he can’t measure up. But if you bash your ex too much, your date could think, Whoops — she might be talking about me that way in a few months! Similarly, you should be wary of a man who can’t stop talking about his former paramour. If he’s still hung up on her, his heart has no room for you. I’ve been in a worse situation - my date showed me SMSs from his ex, neatly stored in his mobile…. all 40 of them! I skipped desert and him altogether!

5. Neurotics needn’t apply. You both need to be emotionally healthy to forge a successful relationship, says Neil Clark Warren, Ph.D., who founded a cyber matchmaking service called eHarmony.com in 2000. For instance, it’s not a good sign if you’re in the relationship primarily because you’re frightened of being alone. It’s equally bad if your guy looks as longingly at the gin bottle as he does at you. Or if he’s morbidly depressed. Don’t fall into the codependent trap and think you can “heal” him. It’s smarter to look for a man who doesn’t need healing. (Anita: Exactly!! He can pay therapist to “heal” him, so if he’s no fun, bye bye!)

6. Mind your manners. Men are understandably appalled when their bright, attractive, funny date suddenly does something tacky like ripping a piece of bread in half and putting the other half back in the bread basket or applying lipstick at the table. “Men also find it gauche when the woman calls for the check,” says Brooks. “The man wants to do the summoning of the waiter and the paying of the bill.” Spindel also warns against a few more etiquette faux pas: “Be on time, shut off your cell phone, look him in the eye, not down at the floor. Don’t ask him too many questions about his job. He’ll think you’re a gold digger.” You don’t need to be Emily Post, but if you display the sensitivity of a lamppost, don’t be surprised if the first date is the last one. (Anita: So girls, if you go for a “friendly dinner” with someone and your friend (usually as your airbag) and the guy doesn’t offer to pay the bill, well, maybe he’s not interested in you more than a friend or he’s just stingy!)

7. Similarity breeds success. “This doesn’t mean you’ve got to marry your clone. But when you’re getting to know someone, ask yourself if you and he have the same core values,” says Warren, also the author of Date…or Soul Mate? How to Know If Someone Is Worth Pursuing in Two Dates or Less. “Think money, intelligence, lifestyle and sense of humor,” he says. And think really hard if your major life goals mix well. Both of you need to agree on the merits or disadvantages of marriage, making babies and whether to aspire to living in a tree house or a penthouse. These are things that you can start finding out in as little as a date or two.

8. Present a challenge. “Let the guy know you like him, but don’t take his initial interest as a signal to latch on to him right away,” Kelleher suggests. She points out that “three dates do not a relationship make.” We’re not talking The Rules here — don’t hesitate to return his call in a timely fashion. But don’t build your social life around him (for example, keep your Friday night theater subscription with your friend Beth) and don’t press him to talk about his “feelings.” Do make it clear that while he’s a welcome addition to your life, he is not the whole enchilada. This is all subject to change after you have been dating awhile and the relationship has become more serious.

9. Don’t be a babbling brook. Sure, you’ve got a host of charming stories, but save some for the second date. “Men really want to occasionally get a word in edgewise,” says Brooks. Women should pace themselves and think of about two to three great stories to tell on their date. But don’t go overboard talking about yourself!

10. Sunny side up. “My male clients bemoan the lack of warmth that women project,” says Kelleher. “Guys say many women clearly don’t want their date to give them a hug or open the door.” Lower your guard, flex those lips into a smile and be nice. See, although we’re supporter of equal gender opportunity, we’d like men to open the door for us, and surprisingly men like it as well!

11. Be a girl. Leave your professional persona at the office. “My male clients also complain that women often come across as masculine — dressing in stiff suits and debating their date on everything from what wine to order to world affairs to who gets the check,” says Kelleher. (Let him.) In other words: It’s a date, not a boxing match.

12. Look beyond his good looks. Don’t be dazzled by a handsome face and buff bod. Is this guy worthy of winning your heart? “How good is he at relationships? How does he treat his mother? How does he get along with siblings, cousins and friends?” asks Brooks. If the answer to those questions is not too well, take heed. Once he is confident of your affections, he might revert to type and treat you like everyone else he “cares” about.

13. Be mindful of that ole black magic. At first glance you felt more of an urge to hold his hand than jump his bones? That’s not a terrible sign: Physical attraction can deepen as you really get to know and trust each other. But there must be an ember of initial attraction to build from. Without any chemistry, Warren says, you’re better off as friends.

14. Hold out before having sex. Spindel is adamant that you should forego sex at least for a little while. The matchmaker feels that until your guy is ready to commit at least part of his soul, you’re better off not committing your entire body. Her rationale: “Ideally you should wait until you’ve had the discussion about not seeing other people. That way you’re sure he’s operating more out of love than lust.”

15. Go with the flow. The real key to making it as a couple, says Warren, is that both people are willing to compromise. If one or both partners must always have their way and are threatened by even small changes, trouble will soon be brewing. For example, if he suddenly has to work late on a night you were hoping to cook him dinner, be understanding of his need to be flexible and have him come over for coffee instead of the main course. Of course, he should be really sorry for the change in plans and should want to make it up to you.

There you go girls, good luck! Let me know if you’ve made it!

My good friend Melly came to me the other day and said, “I wanna make a book!”. I asked her what kind of book she wants to publish. She said a book about women. This is the book based on her own research about married women and single women. It’s more like a combination of “Sex and The City” with “Men from Mars, Women from Venus“.

I thought, she’s so brave, to have a dream publishing a book. Me, I’ve been writing on and off for my entire life, and I never dare to dream it!

Melly also told me one story that happened to her once. She went to a leadership training class, and the speaker made her stand in front of everybody, and asked her to believe that the light bulb she’s holding is a brick. And she must drop it to crack the ceramic tile which was placed on the floor. She told me that when she didn’t believe it, she broke the light bulb. But after she really put her thoughts and beliefs, she’d drop the bulb and break the ceramic tile.

That’s the power of the 2 forces in life: dream and believe.

We’ve seen so many successful people, and they all have those combinations. They think big. They dare to dream that they could make it. And they believe the would make it! How many times you have the feeling that you could do better than what some people have done, but you don’t have the guts to show, sell, let people know about it?

So I begin to write down all my wish list and my dream. And I believe, that within time, I can achieve at least some of them.

A friend called during work and made me listening to her grief: she feels ugly! She thinks she’s not attractive, hence, no guys are interested in her. This was supported by a proof that she’s been single for a couple of years.

Of course I said she’s wrong; she’s pretty, smart, and independent. She has all quality.

“Then why I’m still single? Why I don’t have a boyfriend?” she continued moaning.

I had spent almost an hour to explain that maybe: 1) she enjoys her life right now and is not really looking, and 2) because she’s not really looking she’s sending that signal to all guys.

Another day we continued the session, where she wanted to be taught how to flirt. She wants to find a man (that’s her new year resolution!) and she wants me to teach her how. So I told her all the basic techniques I know, complete with the comparisons and examples. Lately she told me that the technique works, at least when she’s hang out at some place with her friends, guys pay attention to her. She hasn’t met her future husband yet, but hopefuly if she continues practicing the lesson, she’d meet someone.

One night at 11pm an SMS went to my mobile. It’s from my friend, saying that she (might) have just broken up with her boyfriend, and the wedding might be off. The next day I got an email from her boyfriend, saying the same thing. I replied to him, secretly sent the copy to her, called her, and told her if she loves him she’d have to fight for him. I don’t know whether she applied my crap or not, but they went back together. And yes, the wedding’s back on the table!

All of this made me think that actually we DO need a boyfriend crisis centre. Think about it, we’ve got marriage crisis centre, drug rehab centre, AA, and so on. Why not Boyfriend Crisis Centre? We have it on every woman’s magazine, why not in real life? I imagine a pinky wall-to-wall office with large fresh roses on the reception, cute hunks with husky voice as receptionists who would treat the “patients” nicely. A “Men from Mars and Women from Venus” and other self-help books are on the magazine racks. A fresh-from-the-oven low carb stroopwafels from Aaltje Bakery (if you’re curious, click on Bartele on my friends list), homemade chocolate and a glass of organic juice on the table. A huge powder room with wall-size mirror so the patients can continue their gossip after therapy session. A fortune teller booth so they can gain their self-confidence back. And of course, the therapists. They have to be men and women, because we need to hear from both sides.

I need an investor. I believe this would work!

Anyone?

I just discovered that someone who has been really close to me in the past 6 months is withdrawing herself away from me lately. As a self-conscious person I started asking myself whether I’ve done something wrong to her. When I couldn’t find any, I sent her email, asking if she’s mad at me, and if yes, please explain why.

Back in 6 months ago or so, she’s started seeing a guy. A married guy. They confessed it to me when the affair was just began. I was trying to be supportive. Not for the affair, because it’s wrong. But for her, because I believe she’s my friend and she needs me.

But gradually I noticed that they had no intention to stop. They kept talking about ending the affair, but never did something serious about it. As the affair became deeper, I decided that this got to be stopped. Because she’s my friend and I don’t want to see her end up in tears and major broken heart. Because she’s my friend and I don’t want to hear people whispering behind her and calling her a mistress.

So we sat down at 11pm, and my another friend and I started pouring our feeling and thoughts to her. Basically we told her to stop the affair, get out before noones’ hurt, before people find out, before it ends with disaster.

She cried.

She also sent an email to both of us the next day, saying thank you. For reminding her of what she’s been doing. For sticking up with her and put up with her for better or worse.

But then she’s gone.

When I asked her why, she said because I had been trying hard to fix her up with any potential guy I know. She said that I should leave her alone, let her deal with it by herself.

I guess she had some point, so I stopped fixing her up. But she’s still away, still maintains her distance.

Up to the point where I know she is hiding new secrets.

So I guess our friendship ended when I discovered that she lied to me. Friendships would last when we are honest to each other. Friendships would last when you can talk about anything openly, when you open your heart and soul and let your friend be your mirror, your inner guide, your strength pillar.

If you lie to your friend, then it’s not a friendship. Because it means you lie to yourself.

I consider myself lucky because I have got wonderful friends who stand by me all the way and never ever try to talk me up. They would tell me truth, even when it hurts. But at the end of the day, I would learn that the truth may hurt you, but it will safe you.

As for my so-called-friend, I wish her good luck. I hope she’d understand that I only do this because I care about her. And because, even until now, I consider her as a friend.

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Scotland is one of the four constituent countries of the United Kingdom (the other three are England, Wales, and Northern Ireland) and is bounded by the freezing North Sea on the east, the Atlantic Ocean on the west and north, as well as the North Channel and the Irish Sea on the southwest. Don’t forget that a little bit up north from the North Sea is the Arctic Ocean! Scotland’s total area covers almost 79,000 km2, but the population is only a wee bit over 5 millions. Half of Jakarta!

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Learn more about Scotland by clicking one of these following links:

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