Sometimes it feels unbearable being a woman.  We have to keep grooming ourselves from head to toe with never-ending and live-adding tasks (30 years ago no one did brazilian wax but now it’s a regular appointment everywhere in the world, on top of having smooth heels, satin-feel calves, non-cellulite ballerina bump, a six-pack tummy, golden-color skin, heavy-but-bare-look make ups, and hair color that changes at least 4 times a year according to the earth season), to keep up with trends (the hottest clubs, the newest gym, the hottest celebrity gossips, the it color, the most talked about movies/soaps), to watch our figure (hence the newest gym or diet method), must be successful at work but can’t show it in case it will intimidate men (so no tears because it will show weakness rather than a compassion, no yelling because it will show temper tantrum rather than knowing what we want), and be a good girlfriend/wife/mother (which means we must be a great cook, a nice hostess for parties, and a slut in bed altogether).

The ideal life journey map manual (finish college–>find a boyfriend–>find a husband–>make babies–>and live happily ever after) that is printed to every woman is so strongly stick to our head we sometimes don’t see that we are overwhelmed by all of those. We put so much burden onto our CV I can’t understand why we keep doing it to ourselves. Aren’t everything at the moment enough? Isn’t time to stop trying to accomplish more and enjoy what we have?

When we are single, people keep nagging us with questions like ‘why are you still single’, ‘let me set you up with my friend/cousin/brother/father’, ‘are you too fussy/successful/busy so men are afraid of you?’, or even ‘what’s wrong with you?’ and ‘tick, tock, your biological clock is ticking’. But there is no more offensive comment like ‘come on, get yourself a man and settle down…. like me‘. It’s like being single is a sin and whoever commits to it will go straight to hell, and whoever lands in a coupleland is better than the singletons. I have read comments like that in my friends’ Friendster and I couldn’t understand why my friends let their friends say things like that, in public. Me, I’d just delete the person from my comment and friend list altogether.

And then we finally meet someone. We date, we go to dinner and movies, parties, we introduce him/her to friends and family (and it’s best if they approve), we basically try to get to know each other better. Soon we take him/her to weddings, and suddenly people ask ‘when are you two getting hitched?’ or ‘what are you guys waiting for? you’re not getting younger’, without even care that we probably even are not sure whether the relationship will last until next month. And then the final remarks: ‘come on, get married soon,…. like me‘. I think the worst example would be Ecky, who was asked in front of 2000 guests at one of our friend’s wedding by the MC that if she and her boyfriend will follow our friend’s step to settle down. Gosh, I didn’t know what went through her mind at that moment. If it’s me, I’ll just throw pies to the MC and ask them to mind their own businesses.

And we finally decide that he is the one we want to spend the rest of our life with, and we get married. We think the question will stop, but nooooo! Soon after we say “I Do” people will be ready asking questions about, what else, babies. If there are several women getting married at the same period of time, some even think it’s fun to make a virtual race between newlyweds, who gets pregnant first. Seriously, I’ve seen the comments like this in my and my friends’ Friendster. Some just simply ask ‘when are you going to have babies’, with additional remarks, ‘just like me?’. Like if we don’t have one, we are not complete and what the purpose of getting married if not to pass your last name to others. Like if we don’t want one at the moment, we are a complete freak. Like if we do get pregnant, it’s our another accomplishment and not a gift from God, and if we don’t fall pregnant rightaway, for Godsake, go make an urgent appointment with your OBGYN doctor.

When we finally pop one, they will ask ‘do you want another one?’ or ‘when are you going to give brother/sister to your first one?’. When our children are old enough to be kicked out of the house, the questions will be something like ‘where does s/he work?’, ‘how much money s/he makes’, ‘does s/he have a boyfriend/girlfriend? (hopefully a famous one)’. The journey continues. I believe my grandma still races against other grandmas regarding how many grandkids she has or who has great grandchildren more than others.

Mind you, all of those things I experience between women. Women tend to be more vicious and put higher ’standards’ amongst themselves. And if we pass the bar, there is another level of accomplishment we yet to achieve. It feels that we are racing (against what? against whom? for what?).

WHY? Why do we think our life is better than others? Why do we think that there is no other way of living rather than finish college–>married–>making babies, altogether before 30s?

I’m lucky because my parents never ask me personal questions like when I am getting married and when I want children. But they are not normal, considering other Indonesian parents are so cruel to their children and keep nagging them with endless and pushy questions. The only thing my mother ever complaint was that she wishes I had a more normal life just like my friends from high school. But it’s more about where I would be rather than what I would be, since I left home at 18 and have never lived with them since and keep moving further from them (for consolation I told that among 4 of us best friends in high school: Grace, Maggie, Desieree and me, none of us lives in Indonesia, except me for a while). When my then boyfriend was about to propose to me, rather than jumping with joy like other parents, my mum just asked me gently, “are you sure?” (I should’ve known better. Folks, never argue with your mom, ever, period). Even when were told about my plan to move to Aberdeen they were more concerned with my job rather than when we will get married. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t get questions from other family members and friends. There was one time I took Stuart to my cousin wedding, who got married to a German and threw a posh party with a lot of guests. Soon we were cornered by several aunties, and mercilessly they started firing questions like ‘when are you two getting married?’ (Stuart answered, “Err.. I don’t know, 2010, maybe?”, and let them gasped and looked horrified), ‘Get married soon, and order the invites and souvenirs from me, I’ll give you big discounts’, and ‘Have a honeymoon in our resort. It’s very beautiful, you know’. I was never more embarrassed and my headache got bigger every minute. I thought, that’s it, Stuart will break up with me right away because my family is crazy!

So I guess I want to say to other women to stop feeling better than others. Just because you are married/having babies, it doesn’t mean that everybody is drooling and wants the same thing. Just because you are single, it doesn’t mean that people are not jealous of your independence and your rights to change partners until you meet the one (that if you believe in the theory). Just because you’re a mother, it doesn’t mean that others who don’t have children don’t deal with their own real problems every single day. Just because you don’t want a kid in your 30s, it doesn’t mean you’re an evil woman whose life isn’t complete.

Everyone has their own journey map. We have to respect what others do in their life at the moment. Your map is designed exclusively for you. Stop trying putting your map into others’ life.

Stop the race.

I never thought I was a proud Indonesian. There are so many things our nation has done that made me embarrass enough to admit that I’m from the largest archipelago state.

It struck me when I was living in Australia, especially during East Timor’s independence issue. By that time we were still recovering from economy crisis, we were struggling with new presidents, we were juggling whether we need military support in our lives and if we don’t, what are we gonna do with them, and there were constant riots and terrors throughout the region. I remember we went to uni theatre to be presented with images of beheaded people in Kalimantan (Borneo) as part of the stupid fight between indigenous people and immigrants from Java, and Aceh people were constantly seeking supports to be free from the republic. When Ramos Horta (now East Timor’s president) was visiting our uni to seek supports and to give his speech about the preparation of East Timor to be separated from Indonesia, I could sense the hatred of Australians (not all, but hell, yeah, almost all, in general) towards Indonesians. Some fellow students asked what the Indonesian military was thinking and how could they do that to people in East Timor (funny that everybody forgot that Indonesia was fully backed up by the UN and the USA to enter the region the 70’s, but whatever) . So when I was asked where I came from, usually, just to avoid a confrontation, I admitted that I was from Singapore. Or Malaysia. Or Brunei.

But after a year I got sick and tired of hiding of my true nationality. I mean, ok, we’ve been stupid enough to successfully embarrass ourselves for the past several years, but we’ve had so much history that is so unique no other country has it, or even accomplish that. Majapahit Kingdom once ruled the whole archipelago up to the Philippines, and Sriwijaya was up to Thailand border! And our soil is so fertile with natural resources, it attracted people from Europe to grab anything they could from here and made Indonesia as their home for 350 years. I always tell my friends that you just need to throw a seed through the window to the ground and it will grow by itself. Our culture is so rich that every region has its own unique dialect, clothes, and food. Can you name one country which has more than 17 thousands islands and 300 languages (not dialects, languages!)?. From then on, I’ve been a proud Indonesian.

Sadly, being so rich with our culture, we tend to take everything for granted. Before we know it, everybody else claims its theirs. And I couldn’t help it, I’m so annoyed! It’s like your piece of work is plagiarized and is not known as yours.

A couple of weeks ago, Stuart phoned me specifically from his desk just to tell me that it was Malaysian Independence Day, and his office canteen served special dish to celebrate the big day. Chuckling (because he knew I’d react immediately), he read the menu: Malaysian Beef Rendang and Malaysian Oxtail Soup. Of course I protested! Rendang (the authentic one, not the Malaysian one, which is actually just a beef curry) is a dish from Sumatera, and I’m not sure which region the oxtail soup is from but I’m sure it’s from somewhere in Java. Anywhere but Malaysia! I mean, for God sake, I know we both are very similar, but can’t they be more creative and come up with different names rather than just steal our recipe AND its name and put the word Malaysian in front of it? They have a dish called nasi lemak (which is rice cooked in coconut cream, see picture, right), and of course Indonesian has the same thing called nasi uduk (see second pic). Same ingredients, different side dishes, but similar taste. But we don’t share the same name! But to Stuart’s colleagues, it won’t matter. No-one knows that rendang and oxtail soup are from Indonesia, and I believe half of them don’t even know where Indonesia is! I wonder if they would be calm if suddenly I claim that haggis is a traditional English dish, hmm?

I’ve heard (but couldn’t find a single article to back this up) that batik and tempe are also claimed to be NON-Indonesian. How ridiculous is that?

I wonder why the ministry of tourism does not do anything to straight things up? Instead of hearing Indonesia as a terrorist-potential country (and keep reading the alert from USA, Australia, and the UK embassies to their citizen to NOT visit Indonesia unless it’’s urgent), I really want to see the nice advert about Indonesia, just like what Malaysia does (Truly Asia) and India (Incredible India) does too. People only know about Bali and probably Borobudur Temple and the entire Javanese culture of kebaya, gamelan, wayang (shadow puppet), etc, but they’re like the tip of an iceberg. For example, only few know that people in Toraja don’t bury the dead, they display them (see first pic), but beforehand, they will have a huge funeral party that can last for a month and can cost to hundreds of thousands US dollars because the family of the dead must feed the entire village. Even fewer know that Manado is not only famous for Bunaken, their most-beautiful diving site in the world, but also for their traditional roasted bats dish. Do people know that komodo and orangutan are from Indonesia? Do they know that there are indigenous people in Papua who wear koteka, the very long horn penis sheath? Do they know we have Kelimutu Lake, the only lake in the world which has 3 colours?

All of those above uniqueness are from Indonesia, and those are only the things which popped up in my mind just now. If Australia can sell Blue Mountain and Scotland can sell Loch Ness to the world, Indonesia has a lot of much more attractive sites to be shown, complete with its history and mystery.

Why can’t we do that? Why we keep letting people stealing our rich culture and either sell it or claim it’s theirs?

Just to add salt on my wound, I goggled Indonesia just now, and not like Scotland which has a proper tourism website (www.visitscotland.com), I couldn’t find one for Indonesia. There’s one from Wikipedia, one from Lonely Planet, funnily enough one webpage from CIA, and lots of travel sites. The only government website (www.indonesia.go.id), surprisingly, is not working. Aaarrrggghhh!!

What did I find when I typed Malaysia? The first hit was: Welcome to Tourism Malaysia. I clicked it, and the very beautiful and carefully arranged website was in front of me, so fast I hardly blinked. They put very gorgeous professionally-taken pictures in their website. They give very easy but thoroughly explanation about their country. Although they bravely put sate (or satay) picture on their website and claim it’s Malaysian food, I couldn’t help but admiring their tourism department’s work.

So my question is: what does Indonesia ministry of tourism do??