You, of course, have heard about metrosexual men. Since the Nineties, men have embraced their feminine side and spent an equal amount of time in the bathroom as their other-halves, putting some face cream or hair gel on, as well as scrutinizing fashion magazines to keep up with the latest trend. David Beckham, as you might have known, is the metrosexual man’s idol.
The Sun (Wed 20/8) said that a man is categorised as a metrosexual man if he:
- finds gay men come on to him and he feels flattered.
- carries a manbag (a.k.a a purse to normal blokes), and his suitcase, no matter how small, has wheels.
- likes to go “commando”.
- calls men’s toiletries “products”.
- knows his hairdresser name.
- knows what a manicure, pedicure, facial or exfoliation is.
But the newspaper just featured a new book by Dave Besley (The Retrosexual Manual: How To Be A Real Man), which hails the birth of a new genre – men who “never cry in public and think foreplay is a Coldplay tribute band“.
According to The Sun, here is the Retrosexual Rulebook:
- A retrosexual always pays for the date. If she tries to insist, so much the better. He still pays.
- A retrosexual deals with it. Flat car batteries, house break-ins, earthquake damage – he just gets on with it.
- A retrosexual never acknowledges he is in a relationship.
- A retrosexual always carves the Sunday roast. Make sure you know what you’re doing – practice on the cat, spend an hour taking note at the kebab shop.
- A retrosexual is never seen in the passenger seat, unless it is a minicab in which case he asks the driver if he can sit in the front.
- A retrosexual must never cry in public, When he is alone he can cry in two i nstances – the death of a faithful dog or his team’s defeat in a Cup’s semi-final.
- A retrosexual has a coplete set of tools and at least three types of power tool, which he often is seen handling, if not actually using.
- A retrosexual refuses to see a doctor even if he has a rare tropical disease that means his genitals are about to fall off. He is, however, allowed to let everyone know how he is suffering from the common cold (see the below video about man flu).
- A retrosexual should have at least one wound, with an accompanying story which lasts at least five minutes.
- A retrosexual always stands in a pub. Seats are for couples and for Guardian readers.
- Foreplay: get her to send a text when she’s ready. You’ll be down in the pub.
- Matchoftheday Interruptus: The opening bars of MOTD’s theme tune overheard on a telly while doing the business has put a retrosexual bloke off his stroke. Try to blot it out and hurry up with the job in hand.
- Post-coital behaviour. The retrosexual man must never: 1) Whisper “I’m sorry.” 2) Cry. 3) Declare undying love, instead assume a silent reverie.
The Retrosexual Man’s Checklist for Decision Making
- Will anyone die?
- Do I care?
Thinking that you’re not either metrosexual or retrosexual? Maybe you’re one of these:
Metrosexual: bloke who likes aftershave, designer clothes and a “back, sack, and crack”.
Retrosexual: hairy-chested pint drinker. he won’t apologise for farting in front of the missus.
Debtrosexual: wears the latest designer togs despite being up to his eyeballs in debt.
Petrosexual: bloke who is “owned” by his girlfriend in the way one may own a dog.
Wetrosexual: wants people to think he’s hard but secretly he’s scared of spiders.
Firetrosexual: is in a panic because he doesn’t fit into any of the above categories.