I once tagged about this by Fida, asking what age I wish to get back to, and I have briefly mentioned about it in this post because at that moment people from the past suddenly reappeared in my life at the same time, a long overdue project was back in full speed, and of course, Indy was back after 19 years hiatus.
But then Woelank and Ecky also tagged me recently, and this time, I let myself think a bit harder, and I realised there is one particular moment in my life I wish I could get back to, not because it was full of loving memories, but because of that I had to bear a consequence for a long time, and if I could turn back the time, I’d certainly do the other way around.
I was probably 23 or 24 and letting the society and a guy who claimed a title ‘the boyfriend’ to dictate what’s best for me. Mum has asked if this was what I wanted, what I really, really wanted. But the pressure from every corner made me feel like there was a huge stone pressuring my chest, and I surrendered. I thought I was doing my best to keep everyone happy. I thought I was doing what people were supposed to do after being in a monogamous relationship for 5 years. From where I stood, there was no way out. When the time came, and I was faced with a piece of paper that would change my life forever, I paused. But the whole room was watching, so I gave in. I became the other-half.
Since the beginning I realised this was a mistake. We had nothing in common except our interest in architecture. But aside from it, I was a prisoner in my own body. I tried to fit in, adjust, adapt, even change myself, just to make this thing worked. But then I got tired. Especially when all these efforts weren’t enough. Especially because I wasn’t being myself. I had all possibilities in front of me, I was ready to run to achieve my goals, I was drunk with work responsibilities, all theories applied in real life and I couldn’t get enough of it. But he wasn’t ready. He couldn’t accept that my life wasn’t merely about him. That life, in fact, is full of compromises. Insecurity turned to more rules, more don’ts. I was in a difficult place. I was suffocated.
So I decided to quit. I have tried. I failed. And I have to admit that I couldn’t fix it. Moreover, I couldn’t fix him. I couldn’t say I have wasted 10 long years. We had some good times but more bad times. In the end, people change, priorities shift, and once in a while I have to admit that I am not perfect.
I regret that we end this badly. I was hurt, he was devastated. It was a long battle, a tough struggle. But I have got what I wanted since years a go. I have got my freedom back. My life, literally, begins only 5 years a go.
So if I could turn back the time, I want to go back to the age of 18, and to be as free as bird, rather than stick to one man. Or when I was 23, and had more courage to say no.
But if I could have one wish, I wish I meet my dear hubbie much much earlier, not four years a go. We would have so much fun and drive each other crazy!
The rules are:
Title: Age That I Wish To Go Back To# Requirement: Write about the one age that you wish to go back to and why?
Tag Mode: 5 bloggers
1st – You list 5 bloggers you want to tag and link their blogs
2nd – Let the blogger you want to tag know they been tagged by comment in their blog or etc.